Author: marendawncoaching

Managing Expectations

Published on by marendawncoachingLeave a comment

“I don’t want to have to tell him, I just want him to do it.” How many of you have thought that? If you could see me right now you would see me raising my hand as well. Fairytales, romantic movies, romance novels, any media basically, paints this picture that the person you love will always know exactly what you want or need, exactly when you want or need it. The truth is… that isn’t reality. Would it be awesome? Yes! Does is SOMETIMES happen? Occasionally. But, having our partner read our mind is not a realistic expectation. If they could read minds that would save us from some fights… and possibly cause a LOT more as well. 

This mindset is especially true around holidays (like Valentine’s Day), birthdays, and anniversaries. We get it in our minds that in order for the day to be special, our partner needs to buy us flowers without us having to ask, plan a party without asking for feedback and having it be perfect, cooking a romantic meal or going to a restaurant. Unfortunately, having unspoken expectations is probably going to lead to you feeling unloved, disappointed, unimportant, (insert any vulnerable belief you have about yourself). 

So… how do you have the holiday that you want? By asking for it, or by making it happen for yourself. Being clear with your expectation is the kindest thing you can do. Being clear with your expectations says, “this day is important to me and I want you to be a part of that”, “I want to feel connected to you and this is how that can happen.” Sure, you could think the gesture means less if they do it because you asked… but what if you saw it this way, “my partner listened and showed up for me in the exact way I wanted them to.” How different does that statement feel? 

Now, here is the hard part, what if you are clear with your expectations and it doesn’t happen. Ouch. That one can hurt. There are many different paths your brain can take after that happens, and it all depends on the bigger picture. Is this a pattern or are there other factors that got in the way? If this is a habit, there is a bigger conversation that needs to be had (with yourself and partner). 

To keep this on the shorter side I’ll provide one question to ask yourself… 

Did I have an expectation that wasn’t based on reality?

For example, my husband (who is funny and has the ability to be talkative when we are home) also has some social anxiety. If I were to say, “Hey we are going on a couples date with a few of my friends and I need you to be talkative and not shy”… that is not a realistic expectation that I had. The reality is he has his strengths, but being the life of the party or a social butterfly is not one of them, and that is ok (at least while I’m writing this I think it is). His lack of meeting that particular expectation in no way reflects the amount of love he has for me. 

Another way this can come into play is when you are working through a betrayal. One common impact of an addiction is the difficulty in emotionally connecting. If you are at the beginning stages of recovery, it is not realistic to expect your spouse to go from emotional numbing to appropriate emotional sharing and connection quickly. Do some people get there quicker? Yes. Does it take some partners longer to work through their own stuff to be able to have the emotional intelligence to not only name, recognize, and then share their emotions? Yes. Again, we need to look at the bigger picture here. 

If your partner isn’t in a place to meet your expectations, you have a few options. You can do them yourself (buy yourself those flowers, write that love letter to yourself, plan a date with friends to make it special). You can also reach out to your support system. You can ask someone who is appropriate to take you to dinner or get you those flowers, ask a friend if they have time to talk if you need to emotionally connect, outsource if you can or ask your support group for help. 

At the end of the day, it is your own responsibility to get your needs met, and that means communicating clearly of what your expectations are. If the other person is unable or unwilling to meet those expectations, what other course of action can you take for yourself? Your partner is not supposed to be a mind-reader and neither are you. If those expectations are not met, it does not automatically mean your partner doesn’t care about your feelings. I would hope there is a conversation happening were they are able to communicate their struggle in meeting that need instead of making promises they don’t intend to follow through on. 

If this is a common occurrence and it is impacting the relationship, couples work with a therapist trained in EFT wouldn’t be a terrible idea. If you are struggling with your own communication skills or you emotions through this process, don’t hesitate to reach out to me so I can help you through this as well.  

Thriving for the Holidays

Published on by marendawncoachingLeave a comment

The holiday season can be difficult, even under less stressful circumstances. If you are having any sort of breakdown in your family relationships, it can feel completely overwhelming or even paralyzing. 

  • Do you ever think about how you can’t wait for the season to pass, or feel resentful towards others because of their expectations for you during this time? 
  • Do you feel like you are constantly triggered because of topics discussed at family gatherings? 
  • Do you get stressed because of ALL the obligatory presents you feel you need to get? 
  • Do you feel more insecure or inadequate because of all the “happy family”, “look at all these presents”, or “look at all these activities” photos posted to social media?
  • Do you end up feeling empty and burnt out by the time January rolls around? 

If you said “yes” to any of these, let’s take a look at your own beliefs about what the holiday season “should” look like. 

  1. Expectations

One thing that adds stress to our own holiday season is our expectations of what it “should” look like. Maybe it is what traditions you grew up with, or simply what society tells you it should look like. Parties, presents, decorating, traveling, experiences, meals, interactions etc. I want you to really take some time to ponder the following…what do you believe the holidays are supposed to look like? Why do you think that? More importantly, does that vision still feel right and peaceful to you? 

Take time to really ask yourself, what do I want this season to look like, AND what do I realistically have the capacity for? Whatever your answer is, it is OKAY. It is okay if your expectations are different than what you grew up seeing. It is okay if your holiday feast is actually delivered pizza. It is ok if traveling is over your limit right now. You do not need to say “yes” to everything. You are responsible for knowing your limits, and meeting your emotional needs. You are NOT responsible for the disappointment others feel when you do not meet their expectations. 

  • “Thank you for the invite to your party. I will not be able to attend this year. I hope you have a wonderful time.”
  • “I know you would like the family to get together for Thanksgiving this year. I am unable to take the time off of work this year. Can we Facetime on Thanksgiving so we can still see everyone?”
  • “We will not be doing the family gift exchange this year. Thank you for wanting to include us though.”
  • “We are going to start some new traditions with our kids this year. We won’t be coming over on Christmas this year. Would you be willing to get together the day after?” (Or not!)
  1. Comparison

It is easy with social media to see the highlights of others lives. It is easy to see all the crafts some moms do with their kids and start to feel insecure as a parent. It is easy to see the amount of presents under someone else’s tree and start to feel like you aren’t doing “good enough” for your kids. Seeing big happy families can be triggering if you are struggling with your own (family of origin or family of creation). When friends tag each other in all their gift giving, it is easy to feel left out and alone. 

If any of this resonated with you, consider what boundaries you need for yourself to limit the number of triggers.

  • Set a time limit on social media apps
  • Mute/ unfollow accounts
  • Do a daily self compassion meditation
  • Take a break and journal about what comes up for you when you are triggered
  • Daily affirmations: I am enough. I am a good mom. I am grateful for all that I have, and it is enough. I am learning to feel peace in the discomfort. Etc. 
  1. Social Gatherings

Whether it is friends, family, or co-workers, social gatherings can be a major source of stress. Especially during the current climate, it seems like everyone needs to walk on egg shells to avoid arguments, drama, or personal attacks. Are there topics of discussion that cause contention in certain circles? Are diet culture comments prevalent at the Thanksgiving or Christmas table? Are you pressured into talking about personal struggles before you are ready? 

  • Drive separately so you can leave whenever you need to.
  • Plan on attending, but for a shorter period of time.
  • “Please don’t make comments about my weight/ what I eat.”
  • “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this right now.”
  • Practice coping ahead with difficult situations.
  • Limit yourself to only attending x-number of social gatherings so you don’t get burnt out.
  • Take time for yourself to regroup after social interactions.

Remember… 

  • It is ok to not do it all. 
  • You get to decide what this time looks like for you. 
  • You are only responsible for managing your own emotions.
  • You are allowed to set boundaries and say “no” EVEN with family.
  • If you are able to/ want to, where can you meet in the middle? 
  • You are not competing with anyone else.
  • Your needs/ feelings are important.

What are some things you do to not just survive, but thrive during the holiday season?

Shame and Resiliency

Published on by marendawncoachingLeave a comment

By: Maren Simmons

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, which is not correct or helpful. One is an effective way of creating change or fixing unwanted behaviors, and one can potentially increase the unwanted behaviors. The difference between the two is guilt focuses on the action or behavior, while shame focuses on the self. For example, let’s say you were stressed and lost your temper with your toddler and yelled at them. Assuming yelling at your toddler does not align with your value system and how you want to show up as a parent, you could feel guilty and tell yourself, “I was stressed and I made a mistake. I am still a good mom and I will try to be more in line with my values in the future.” You aren’t excusing the behavior, but you see the humanness in it, take accountability that it isn’t how you want to show up, and make amends because you what to make the situation right. Shame will tell you, “you yelled at your toddler which is bad. You are such a bad mom.” 

The difference between guilt and shame is guilt says, “I did something bad” when shame says, “I am bad”. By defining ourselves by our mistakes, it is likely that we have now created a self-fulfilling prophecy if we do not practice shame resilience. By staying in shame, you have now linked your identity to your actions. The more you tell yourself “I am a bad person” the more you will believe it is true, and not try to act in a way that is more aligned with who you want to be and who you are when you are not experiencing fear, or other distressing emotions. You will not try because your shame is telling you that isn’t who you are, so you will fail. 

Another way to know if you are experiencing shame or guilt is how the emotion is telling you to act. Guilt will most likely move you to act in a way to repair the damage. Shame will most likely move you to hide. Hide and isolate. Shame will tell you that no one will love you or accept you if they really knew you. Shame will tell you you’re not worthy and you deserve anything bad that happens to you. Shame THRIVES on secrecy. 

Shame is linked to not only addiction, but also to betrayal trauma. In both cases, it is common to feel like no one will love you or accept you if they really knew what you are doing, or what has been done. With betrayal trauma, it is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel like they themselves are not good enough because their partner continues to choose pornography, or another partner, over them. Shame will tell the betrayed partner that if others knew what was happening, they would know they were not enough as well, and it is their fault that their partner “had” to turn to something or someone else. Of course, none of these statements are true, but shame is a powerful liar. 

How do we combat shame and build resilience? Brene Brown has found in her research there are 4 main components to shame resilience:

  1. Empathy
  2. Connection
  3. Power
  4. Freedom

One of the most powerful ways to build shame resilience is by joining support groups. Because shame thrives in secrecy, you give it a name, you talk about it, and you process it. In a healthy support group, you make connections with others who are nonjudgmental about your experience, because they have lived something similar. You have the opportunity to see and hear from other women (or men for men’s groups) and realize you are not alone. Connection in group settings can help “move away from social/ cultural trappings of the shame web by working with others to redefine what is valuable and important” (Brown, 2006). This allows each person to experience the freedom of deciding for themselves what defines them, and what does not. Where shame can lead you to feel trapped, realizing your power in awareness, choice, and ability to affect change is an essential tool in combating shame (Brown, 2006). 

If you are experiencing shame, find a safe place to connect with others and practice vulnerability. Allow yourself to be seen, and allow yourself to be accepted in those safe environments. You are not your mistakes, and you deserve to be free from the shame that is holding you back from living authentically. 

You are worthy, you are human, you deserve support, and you are enough.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483 

*Originally posted on http://www.desertbloomrecovery.org

Grief and Growth

Published on by marendawncoachingLeave a comment

There is power in grieving and letting go.

One aspect of recovery is the grief that accompanies growth. At first, this might seem like a contradiction…. grief and growth. Even though most people accurately assume that healing is difficult but worth it, the amount of grief work needed in the process can take some by surprise. Even when we work out and strengthen our bodies, our muscles tear a little before they heal back stronger than they were before. Personal growth is not much different.

The grief in recovery that I am talking about is the grief of relationship changes, the grief with self-reflection, and the grief of the picture.

Grief of Relationship Changes

At the beginning of my journey, I had no boundaries in any aspect of my life. I had the mindset that my needs, my wants, and my feelings were not as important than others. My self-esteem was shot and my confidence was gone. Because of this lack of boundaries, many other people were benefiting from my constant availability, and my lack of voice.

As I started healing and learning, I started to believe a specific thought that everything else in my life would be effected by. I am important. Those three little words started to shift my life dramatically once I allowed myself to actually believe them. I am important. What does that even mean? That means my needs are important. My wants are important. My thoughts are important. My feelings are important. I was finally allowed to really look at my life and my interactions and decide what I was and was not okay with. I was finally able to have the courage to stand up for myself because I believed I had a right to. I was willing to make life a little more uncomfortable for others in order to honor myself and what I needed to feel safe, loved, and respected.

Setting healthy boundaries with yourself and others does not always come with 100% support and understanding. In fact, there might be so much push back that two things can happen: 1. Your belief that a boundary was needed is validated and 2. Distance (sometimes a lot of it) is created between those who benefited from your lack of boundaries.

That sounds simple, but it is hard. It is hard to realize relationships you once held close are no longer healthy for you. It is hard to see those who you love choose not to accept or respect your needs and your limits. It is hard to realize those who you believed where “safe” were no longer able to be in your inner circle.

Grief with Self-Reflection

As you start to learn more about addiction and recovery, you learn different terms such as gas-lighting, boundaries, trigger, and worth… among others. What can happen as you start to gain more knowledge is you look back and judge or shame yourself for not doing better, knowing better, or allowing it to go on for so long. After the shaming, (hopefully) comes compassion. You can see the hope, see the pain, and see the change. For many, it was gradual. For many, they can look back and see how little by little, the trauma, the manipulation, the fear changed them as a person. For me, my personality was drastically different. Someone who use to be upbeat and bubbly turned into someone who no longer trusted anyone. Everyone was now held at arm’s length. I tried to cope on my own. I tried to manage the pain. In the process… I lost who I was. As healing progresses, a new you begins to emerge. You come back stronger than you believed possible. You gain more perspective, more confidence, more love and understanding for yourself. When this new person is born, you can reflect back and see the wounds, see the change, see the struggle, and see the pain. What starts out as judgement, turns into compassion as we allow ourselves to process our grief of transformation…to grieve the person we use to be and recognize the warrior that was forced to replace her.  

Grief of the Picture

Since we were little, we had a picture. We had a picture of what we wanted our marriage and life to be like. When someone comes along and we believe they will help us have that picture, we are filled with love, trust, and hope. Then… one day that picture gets shattered. What is worse, is it gets shattered by the person we trusted to fulfill that picture. Even if both partners choose to work their recovery, and there is hope, the picture is still broken. It is okay to grieve that picture. It is okay to grieve the life you thought you would have. It is okay to grieve who you thought you had. Once you grieve the picture, you can start moving forward with your new one.

Grief is hard, and uncomfortable. But allowing yourself to feel that, and process, means you are growing. You are growing towards healthy. Just because grief means sadness and sometimes anger, doesn’t mean there isn’t hope and happiness in the future. Through grieving, you are allowing yourself a clean slate. You are allowing yourself to let go. You are giving yourself the opportunity to dream up a new picture.

Grief is hard.

Hard doesn’t mean bad.

Hard doesn’t mean wrong. Don’t be afraid of the hard. Going through the hard is the foundation of hope that comes from healing. It is okay to feel. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to move forward…when you are ready.

Originally posted here.

Mismanaging Pain

Published on by marendawncoachingLeave a comment

When the pain gets intense, how do you manage it?

Pain is intense. It’s uncomfortable. And when we are in this, it’s easier to act outside of our value system. I want to be clear… nothing can force you to do anything. And its important to note, pain can create an environment where certain decisions feel easier. 

From the time we are young, society teaches us to hide our big feelings. Boys are given messages to “suck it up,” “stop crying,” and essentially trained to suppress their emotions. Girls are taught that if they ask for what they need they are “needy.” If they cry they are told they are “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Both are taught that negative emotions such as hurt, anger, and sadness are essentially bad and even you are bad for feeling them. We get messages that we are not Christ-like if we get angry and that we are weak to feel strongly.  

This can lead to adults who have been conditioned to repress pain, shy away from uncomfortable, and self-judgement for emotions. This mentality can lead to unhealthy coping strategies for the pain they are trying so hard to ignore. In our profession, we see many men who have turned to porn to get the dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin release to cope with or avoid those hard feelings that come up. Some women turn to over-functioning as a way or stay too busy to feel. What is happening is the mismanagement of pain.

This can look different to everyone. Some other examples of mismanaging pain are:

  • Over or under functioning
  • Over or under eating
  • Lashing out
  • Alcohol, drugs, porn, and other addictions
  • Feeling a need to control
  • Over exercising
  • Perfectionism
  • Numbing (Netflix/ social media/ TV/gaming)
  • Isolating
  • Self-harm
  • Emotional and/or physical affairs

Mismanagement of pain is often an unconscious decision, and it often starts out as something innocent. For example, exercise is a healthy habit that releases “feel-good” hormones to help us relax, feel less stressed, sleep better, and clear our minds. As more stresses, pain, or sadness tries to fight its way to the surface, we cope with what our brain knows helps give us those chemicals. So, we can start to push ourselves to exercise more and more. It can become an obsession, to the point that injuries occur, we avoid family, friends, or other responsibilities.

 Another example is watching episodes of your favorite show. This in and of itself is not a bad thing. Yet, numbing out for hours or days at a time to prevent the feeling of negative emotions isn’t helpful. 

Mismanaging pain can help you feel better in the moment, but it can never bring you true peace or fill that void. No matter how logical your actions may seem, it doesn’t justify acting out of your value system. Even if it makes sense, it doesn’t mean it is right.

So how do we recognize if we are mismanaging pain? Try to ask yourself these questions: 

  • What is my real why? 
  • What scares me if I stop doing this? 
  • What are my patterns that lead to these behaviors?’ 
  • Do I notice I do this more when I am feeling stressed… rejected… scared… out of control… lonely? 

At first, it may be easier to find these answers with the help of a coach or therapist. They can help you recognize your patterns and help understand the deeper beliefs that drive you. As you discover the why to your mismanagement of pain, you are not only on the path to heal, you are more likely to learn new, healthier ways to manage your pain. 

You have the power to CHOOSE healthy.

Originally posted here.