When the pain gets intense, how do you manage it?
Pain is intense. It’s uncomfortable. And when we are in this, it’s easier to act outside of our value system. I want to be clear… nothing can force you to do anything. And its important to note, pain can create an environment where certain decisions feel easier.
From the time we are young, society teaches us to hide our big feelings. Boys are given messages to “suck it up,” “stop crying,” and essentially trained to suppress their emotions. Girls are taught that if they ask for what they need they are “needy.” If they cry they are told they are “too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Both are taught that negative emotions such as hurt, anger, and sadness are essentially bad and even you are bad for feeling them. We get messages that we are not Christ-like if we get angry and that we are weak to feel strongly.
This can lead to adults who have been conditioned to repress pain, shy away from uncomfortable, and self-judgement for emotions. This mentality can lead to unhealthy coping strategies for the pain they are trying so hard to ignore. In our profession, we see many men who have turned to porn to get the dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin release to cope with or avoid those hard feelings that come up. Some women turn to over-functioning as a way or stay too busy to feel. What is happening is the mismanagement of pain.
This can look different to everyone. Some other examples of mismanaging pain are:
- Over or under functioning
- Over or under eating
- Lashing out
- Alcohol, drugs, porn, and other addictions
- Feeling a need to control
- Over exercising
- Perfectionism
- Numbing (Netflix/ social media/ TV/gaming)
- Isolating
- Self-harm
- Emotional and/or physical affairs
Mismanagement of pain is often an unconscious decision, and it often starts out as something innocent. For example, exercise is a healthy habit that releases “feel-good” hormones to help us relax, feel less stressed, sleep better, and clear our minds. As more stresses, pain, or sadness tries to fight its way to the surface, we cope with what our brain knows helps give us those chemicals. So, we can start to push ourselves to exercise more and more. It can become an obsession, to the point that injuries occur, we avoid family, friends, or other responsibilities.
Another example is watching episodes of your favorite show. This in and of itself is not a bad thing. Yet, numbing out for hours or days at a time to prevent the feeling of negative emotions isn’t helpful.
Mismanaging pain can help you feel better in the moment, but it can never bring you true peace or fill that void. No matter how logical your actions may seem, it doesn’t justify acting out of your value system. Even if it makes sense, it doesn’t mean it is right.
So how do we recognize if we are mismanaging pain? Try to ask yourself these questions:
- What is my real why?
- What scares me if I stop doing this?
- What are my patterns that lead to these behaviors?’
- Do I notice I do this more when I am feeling stressed… rejected… scared… out of control… lonely?
At first, it may be easier to find these answers with the help of a coach or therapist. They can help you recognize your patterns and help understand the deeper beliefs that drive you. As you discover the why to your mismanagement of pain, you are not only on the path to heal, you are more likely to learn new, healthier ways to manage your pain.
You have the power to CHOOSE healthy.
Originally posted here.
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