There is power in grieving and letting go.
One aspect of recovery is the grief that accompanies growth. At first, this might seem like a contradiction…. grief and growth. Even though most people accurately assume that healing is difficult but worth it, the amount of grief work needed in the process can take some by surprise. Even when we work out and strengthen our bodies, our muscles tear a little before they heal back stronger than they were before. Personal growth is not much different.
The grief in recovery that I am talking about is the grief of relationship changes, the grief with self-reflection, and the grief of the picture.
Grief of Relationship Changes
At the beginning of my journey, I had no boundaries in any aspect of my life. I had the mindset that my needs, my wants, and my feelings were not as important than others. My self-esteem was shot and my confidence was gone. Because of this lack of boundaries, many other people were benefiting from my constant availability, and my lack of voice.
As I started healing and learning, I started to believe a specific thought that everything else in my life would be effected by. I am important. Those three little words started to shift my life dramatically once I allowed myself to actually believe them. I am important. What does that even mean? That means my needs are important. My wants are important. My thoughts are important. My feelings are important. I was finally allowed to really look at my life and my interactions and decide what I was and was not okay with. I was finally able to have the courage to stand up for myself because I believed I had a right to. I was willing to make life a little more uncomfortable for others in order to honor myself and what I needed to feel safe, loved, and respected.
Setting healthy boundaries with yourself and others does not always come with 100% support and understanding. In fact, there might be so much push back that two things can happen: 1. Your belief that a boundary was needed is validated and 2. Distance (sometimes a lot of it) is created between those who benefited from your lack of boundaries.
That sounds simple, but it is hard. It is hard to realize relationships you once held close are no longer healthy for you. It is hard to see those who you love choose not to accept or respect your needs and your limits. It is hard to realize those who you believed where “safe” were no longer able to be in your inner circle.
Grief with Self-Reflection
As you start to learn more about addiction and recovery, you learn different terms such as gas-lighting, boundaries, trigger, and worth… among others. What can happen as you start to gain more knowledge is you look back and judge or shame yourself for not doing better, knowing better, or allowing it to go on for so long. After the shaming, (hopefully) comes compassion. You can see the hope, see the pain, and see the change. For many, it was gradual. For many, they can look back and see how little by little, the trauma, the manipulation, the fear changed them as a person. For me, my personality was drastically different. Someone who use to be upbeat and bubbly turned into someone who no longer trusted anyone. Everyone was now held at arm’s length. I tried to cope on my own. I tried to manage the pain. In the process… I lost who I was. As healing progresses, a new you begins to emerge. You come back stronger than you believed possible. You gain more perspective, more confidence, more love and understanding for yourself. When this new person is born, you can reflect back and see the wounds, see the change, see the struggle, and see the pain. What starts out as judgement, turns into compassion as we allow ourselves to process our grief of transformation…to grieve the person we use to be and recognize the warrior that was forced to replace her.
Grief of the Picture
Since we were little, we had a picture. We had a picture of what we wanted our marriage and life to be like. When someone comes along and we believe they will help us have that picture, we are filled with love, trust, and hope. Then… one day that picture gets shattered. What is worse, is it gets shattered by the person we trusted to fulfill that picture. Even if both partners choose to work their recovery, and there is hope, the picture is still broken. It is okay to grieve that picture. It is okay to grieve the life you thought you would have. It is okay to grieve who you thought you had. Once you grieve the picture, you can start moving forward with your new one.
Grief is hard, and uncomfortable. But allowing yourself to feel that, and process, means you are growing. You are growing towards healthy. Just because grief means sadness and sometimes anger, doesn’t mean there isn’t hope and happiness in the future. Through grieving, you are allowing yourself a clean slate. You are allowing yourself to let go. You are giving yourself the opportunity to dream up a new picture.
Grief is hard.
Hard doesn’t mean bad.
Hard doesn’t mean wrong. Don’t be afraid of the hard. Going through the hard is the foundation of hope that comes from healing. It is okay to feel. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to move forward…when you are ready.
Originally posted here.
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