“I don’t want to have to tell him, I just want him to do it.” How many of you have thought that? If you could see me right now you would see me raising my hand as well. Fairytales, romantic movies, romance novels, any media basically, paints this picture that the person you love will always know exactly what you want or need, exactly when you want or need it. The truth is… that isn’t reality. Would it be awesome? Yes! Does is SOMETIMES happen? Occasionally. But, having our partner read our mind is not a realistic expectation. If they could read minds that would save us from some fights… and possibly cause a LOT more as well.
This mindset is especially true around holidays (like Valentine’s Day), birthdays, and anniversaries. We get it in our minds that in order for the day to be special, our partner needs to buy us flowers without us having to ask, plan a party without asking for feedback and having it be perfect, cooking a romantic meal or going to a restaurant. Unfortunately, having unspoken expectations is probably going to lead to you feeling unloved, disappointed, unimportant, (insert any vulnerable belief you have about yourself).
So… how do you have the holiday that you want? By asking for it, or by making it happen for yourself. Being clear with your expectation is the kindest thing you can do. Being clear with your expectations says, “this day is important to me and I want you to be a part of that”, “I want to feel connected to you and this is how that can happen.” Sure, you could think the gesture means less if they do it because you asked… but what if you saw it this way, “my partner listened and showed up for me in the exact way I wanted them to.” How different does that statement feel?
Now, here is the hard part, what if you are clear with your expectations and it doesn’t happen. Ouch. That one can hurt. There are many different paths your brain can take after that happens, and it all depends on the bigger picture. Is this a pattern or are there other factors that got in the way? If this is a habit, there is a bigger conversation that needs to be had (with yourself and partner).
To keep this on the shorter side I’ll provide one question to ask yourself…
Did I have an expectation that wasn’t based on reality?
For example, my husband (who is funny and has the ability to be talkative when we are home) also has some social anxiety. If I were to say, “Hey we are going on a couples date with a few of my friends and I need you to be talkative and not shy”… that is not a realistic expectation that I had. The reality is he has his strengths, but being the life of the party or a social butterfly is not one of them, and that is ok (at least while I’m writing this I think it is). His lack of meeting that particular expectation in no way reflects the amount of love he has for me.
Another way this can come into play is when you are working through a betrayal. One common impact of an addiction is the difficulty in emotionally connecting. If you are at the beginning stages of recovery, it is not realistic to expect your spouse to go from emotional numbing to appropriate emotional sharing and connection quickly. Do some people get there quicker? Yes. Does it take some partners longer to work through their own stuff to be able to have the emotional intelligence to not only name, recognize, and then share their emotions? Yes. Again, we need to look at the bigger picture here.
If your partner isn’t in a place to meet your expectations, you have a few options. You can do them yourself (buy yourself those flowers, write that love letter to yourself, plan a date with friends to make it special). You can also reach out to your support system. You can ask someone who is appropriate to take you to dinner or get you those flowers, ask a friend if they have time to talk if you need to emotionally connect, outsource if you can or ask your support group for help.
At the end of the day, it is your own responsibility to get your needs met, and that means communicating clearly of what your expectations are. If the other person is unable or unwilling to meet those expectations, what other course of action can you take for yourself? Your partner is not supposed to be a mind-reader and neither are you. If those expectations are not met, it does not automatically mean your partner doesn’t care about your feelings. I would hope there is a conversation happening were they are able to communicate their struggle in meeting that need instead of making promises they don’t intend to follow through on.
If this is a common occurrence and it is impacting the relationship, couples work with a therapist trained in EFT wouldn’t be a terrible idea. If you are struggling with your own communication skills or you emotions through this process, don’t hesitate to reach out to me so I can help you through this as well.
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