shame

By: Maren Simmons

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, which is not correct or helpful. One is an effective way of creating change or fixing unwanted behaviors, and one can potentially increase the unwanted behaviors. The difference between the two is guilt focuses on the action or behavior, while shame focuses on the self. For example, let’s say you were stressed and lost your temper with your toddler and yelled at them. Assuming yelling at your toddler does not align with your value system and how you want to show up as a parent, you could feel guilty and tell yourself, “I was stressed and I made a mistake. I am still a good mom and I will try to be more in line with my values in the future.” You aren’t excusing the behavior, but you see the humanness in it, take accountability that it isn’t how you want to show up, and make amends because you what to make the situation right. Shame will tell you, “you yelled at your toddler which is bad. You are such a bad mom.”

The difference between guilt and shame is guilt says, “I did something bad” when shame says, “I am bad”. By defining ourselves by our mistakes, it is likely that we have now created a self-fulfilling prophecy if we do not practice shame resilience. By staying in shame, you have now linked your identity to your actions. The more you tell yourself “I am a bad person” the more you will believe it is true, and not try to act in a way that is more aligned with who you want to be and who you are when you are not experiencing fear, or other distressing emotions. You will not try because your shame is telling you that isn’t who you are, so you will fail.

Another way to know if you are experiencing shame or guilt is how the emotion is telling you to act. Guilt will most likely move you to act in a way to repair the damage. Shame will most likely move you to hide. Hide and isolate. Shame will tell you that no one will love you or accept you if they really knew you. Shame will tell you you’re not worthy and you deserve anything bad that happens to you. Shame THRIVES on secrecy.

Shame is linked to not only addiction, but also to betrayal trauma. In both cases, it is common to feel like no one will love you or accept you if they really knew what you are doing, or what has been done. With betrayal trauma, it is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel like they themselves are not good enough because their partner continues to choose pornography, or another partner, over them. Shame will tell the betrayed partner that if others knew what was happening, they would know they were not enough as well, and it is their fault that their partner “had” to turn to something or someone else. Of course, none of these statements are true, but shame is a powerful liar.

How do we combat shame and build resilience? Brene Brown has found in her research there are 4 main components to shame resilience:

Empathy
Connection
Power
Freedom

One of the most powerful ways to build shame resilience is by joining support groups. Because shame thrives in secrecy, you give it a name, you talk about it, and you process it. In a healthy support group, you make connections with others who are nonjudgmental about your experience, because they have lived something similar. You have the opportunity to see and hear from other women (or men for men’s groups) and realize you are not alone. Connection in group settings can help “move away from social/ cultural trappings of the shame web by working with others to redefine what is valuable and important” (Brown, 2006). This allows each person to experience the freedom of deciding for themselves what defines them, and what does not. Where shame can lead you to feel trapped, realizing your power in awareness, choice, and ability to affect change is an essential tool in combating shame (Brown, 2006).

If you are experiencing shame, find a safe place to connect with others and practice vulnerability. Allow yourself to be seen, and allow yourself to be accepted in those safe environments. You are not your mistakes, and you deserve to be free from the shame that is holding you back from living authentically.

You are worthy, you are human, you deserve support, and you are enough.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483

*Originally posted on http://www.desertbloomrecovery.org