vulnerability

“I don’t want to have to tell him, I just want him to do it.” How many of you have thought that? If you could see me right now you would see me raising my hand as well. Fairytales, romantic movies, romance novels, any media basically, paints this picture that the person you love will always know exactly what you want or need, exactly when you want or need it. The truth is… that isn’t reality. Would it be awesome? Yes! Does is SOMETIMES happen? Occasionally. But, having our partner read our mind is not a realistic expectation. If they could read minds that would save us from some fights… and possibly cause a LOT more as well.

This mindset is especially true around holidays (like Valentine’s Day), birthdays, and anniversaries. We get it in our minds that in order for the day to be special, our partner needs to buy us flowers without us having to ask, plan a party without asking for feedback and having it be perfect, cooking a romantic meal or going to a restaurant. Unfortunately, having unspoken expectations is probably going to lead to you feeling unloved, disappointed, unimportant, (insert any vulnerable belief you have about yourself).

So… how do you have the holiday that you want? By asking for it, or by making it happen for yourself. Being clear with your expectation is the kindest thing you can do. Being clear with your expectations says, “this day is important to me and I want you to be a part of that”, “I want to feel connected to you and this is how that can happen.” Sure, you could think the gesture means less if they do it because you asked… but what if you saw it this way, “my partner listened and showed up for me in the exact way I wanted them to.” How different does that statement feel?

Now, here is the hard part, what if you are clear with your expectations and it doesn’t happen. Ouch. That one can hurt. There are many different paths your brain can take after that happens, and it all depends on the bigger picture. Is this a pattern or are there other factors that got in the way? If this is a habit, there is a bigger conversation that needs to be had (with yourself and partner).

To keep this on the shorter side I’ll provide one question to ask yourself…

Did I have an expectation that wasn’t based on reality?

For example, my husband (who is funny and has the ability to be talkative when we are home) also has some social anxiety. If I were to say, “Hey we are going on a couples date with a few of my friends and I need you to be talkative and not shy”… that is not a realistic expectation that I had. The reality is he has his strengths, but being the life of the party or a social butterfly is not one of them, and that is ok (at least while I’m writing this I think it is). His lack of meeting that particular expectation in no way reflects the amount of love he has for me.

Another way this can come into play is when you are working through a betrayal. One common impact of an addiction is the difficulty in emotionally connecting. If you are at the beginning stages of recovery, it is not realistic to expect your spouse to go from emotional numbing to appropriate emotional sharing and connection quickly. Do some people get there quicker? Yes. Does it take some partners longer to work through their own stuff to be able to have the emotional intelligence to not only name, recognize, and then share their emotions? Yes. Again, we need to look at the bigger picture here.

If your partner isn’t in a place to meet your expectations, you have a few options. You can do them yourself (buy yourself those flowers, write that love letter to yourself, plan a date with friends to make it special). You can also reach out to your support system. You can ask someone who is appropriate to take you to dinner or get you those flowers, ask a friend if they have time to talk if you need to emotionally connect, outsource if you can or ask your support group for help.

At the end of the day, it is your own responsibility to get your needs met, and that means communicating clearly of what your expectations are. If the other person is unable or unwilling to meet those expectations, what other course of action can you take for yourself? Your partner is not supposed to be a mind-reader and neither are you. If those expectations are not met, it does not automatically mean your partner doesn’t care about your feelings. I would hope there is a conversation happening were they are able to communicate their struggle in meeting that need instead of making promises they don’t intend to follow through on.

If this is a common occurrence and it is impacting the relationship, couples work with a therapist trained in EFT wouldn’t be a terrible idea. If you are struggling with your own communication skills or you emotions through this process, don’t hesitate to reach out to me so I can help you through this as well.

By: Maren Simmons

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, which is not correct or helpful. One is an effective way of creating change or fixing unwanted behaviors, and one can potentially increase the unwanted behaviors. The difference between the two is guilt focuses on the action or behavior, while shame focuses on the self. For example, let’s say you were stressed and lost your temper with your toddler and yelled at them. Assuming yelling at your toddler does not align with your value system and how you want to show up as a parent, you could feel guilty and tell yourself, “I was stressed and I made a mistake. I am still a good mom and I will try to be more in line with my values in the future.” You aren’t excusing the behavior, but you see the humanness in it, take accountability that it isn’t how you want to show up, and make amends because you what to make the situation right. Shame will tell you, “you yelled at your toddler which is bad. You are such a bad mom.”

The difference between guilt and shame is guilt says, “I did something bad” when shame says, “I am bad”. By defining ourselves by our mistakes, it is likely that we have now created a self-fulfilling prophecy if we do not practice shame resilience. By staying in shame, you have now linked your identity to your actions. The more you tell yourself “I am a bad person” the more you will believe it is true, and not try to act in a way that is more aligned with who you want to be and who you are when you are not experiencing fear, or other distressing emotions. You will not try because your shame is telling you that isn’t who you are, so you will fail.

Another way to know if you are experiencing shame or guilt is how the emotion is telling you to act. Guilt will most likely move you to act in a way to repair the damage. Shame will most likely move you to hide. Hide and isolate. Shame will tell you that no one will love you or accept you if they really knew you. Shame will tell you you’re not worthy and you deserve anything bad that happens to you. Shame THRIVES on secrecy.

Shame is linked to not only addiction, but also to betrayal trauma. In both cases, it is common to feel like no one will love you or accept you if they really knew what you are doing, or what has been done. With betrayal trauma, it is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel like they themselves are not good enough because their partner continues to choose pornography, or another partner, over them. Shame will tell the betrayed partner that if others knew what was happening, they would know they were not enough as well, and it is their fault that their partner “had” to turn to something or someone else. Of course, none of these statements are true, but shame is a powerful liar.

How do we combat shame and build resilience? Brene Brown has found in her research there are 4 main components to shame resilience:

Empathy
Connection
Power
Freedom

One of the most powerful ways to build shame resilience is by joining support groups. Because shame thrives in secrecy, you give it a name, you talk about it, and you process it. In a healthy support group, you make connections with others who are nonjudgmental about your experience, because they have lived something similar. You have the opportunity to see and hear from other women (or men for men’s groups) and realize you are not alone. Connection in group settings can help “move away from social/ cultural trappings of the shame web by working with others to redefine what is valuable and important” (Brown, 2006). This allows each person to experience the freedom of deciding for themselves what defines them, and what does not. Where shame can lead you to feel trapped, realizing your power in awareness, choice, and ability to affect change is an essential tool in combating shame (Brown, 2006).

If you are experiencing shame, find a safe place to connect with others and practice vulnerability. Allow yourself to be seen, and allow yourself to be accepted in those safe environments. You are not your mistakes, and you deserve to be free from the shame that is holding you back from living authentically.

You are worthy, you are human, you deserve support, and you are enough.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483

*Originally posted on http://www.desertbloomrecovery.org

Tag: vulnerability

Managing Expectations